Pagtrader: News Page! Give us your money!
this is crazy!
Alright. Yesterday, while I was tripping on HARD CRACK (my friend joe sells some good shit) I opened my digital device to learn that New Oog has invaded the neighboring country of Zhorstav! This was shocking information, considering that New Oog and Zhorstav have not had any disagreements since the 1700s! So, let's get into the facts.
On Cutan 1th, at 4:12 AM, New Oog forces stormed across the border in a march to Zhorstav's capital, Pigedýapýehstuv, but was quickly met with reisitance from local troops patrolling the border. There were several skirmishes resulting in 390 dead, and New Oog was slowly advancing across the border for twelve hours. Several towns and troops were captured and surrenderred, and to many in Zhorstav the war seemed hopeless. That was, until news broke that Oogaboogumblur had CONDEMNDED New Oog's actions! Oogaboogumblur, Engblan, The Hog Imperium, and Pagoi all entered into an offensive treaty against New Oog. New Oog troops heard the news, and began to hunker down. The lines have solidified, but New Oog seems to be loosing ground slowly.
In the early morning hours of Cutan 2th, The Hog Imperium marched over 40,000 soldiers through Zhorstav territory to meet New Oog at the front lines. Pagish bombers rained shrapnel over the New Oogans, and soon the lines fell, but not for long.
The very pagist, right-wring extreme country of The United States of America announced that they had found 12 drops of oil in Zhorstav, and would be using interdimensional portals to enter Ionic Reality and "tickle Zhorstav's pickle". Zhorstav nearly fell, with the capital being captured, but less than 2 hours after the USA entered into the war, Pyigsaak, Myepaga, Cetada, Asajarn, Tanakirn, Flyon, Pierceo, Grinkst, all four Zonkish Countries, all seven Midoian Countries, and Rougaboog announced they would be assisting Zhorstav. The Northern Zunk States held a referendum repealing their ban on nuclear weaponry, and within twevle days, nuked the USA fourteen times. The US Supreme Leader, Kim-Jong Trump, still refused to surrender. At this point, all countries in the U.N except Israel began to use interdimensional portals to attack New Oog, and all countries (except New Oog and Frung) used the same portals to attack the USA. In total, 12 million people had died by this point, which was not good.
Just yesterday, after Kim-Jong Trump died in a bombing, the USA surrendered and was annexed by Zhorstav. There has been a large influx of pag refugees to many countries in the past few weeks. New Oog will be slowly and completely dug up and moved into the ocean, forming a very long bridge from Zhorstav to Pagoi. The New Oog removal Project is estimated to be completed by 2100. The USA will be forced to pay seven bananillion dollars in reperations to literally every single country. The peace shall be eternal. In light of the pagish countries showing their strength, they have decided to reunite into the Neoneopag Empire, and have already counqered all of Valoi, Mounoi, Scuton, North America, South America, and Antartica. That is quite interesting I think.
I wanted to get a firsthand account of the war, so I called up my good pagger (I CAN SAY IT I HAVE A PAG FRIEND) in Zhorstav named Kozhtugrav Tickle XXI. He told me:
Carol, what the fuck are you talking about? This genuinely never happened. Also, I appreciate the enthusiasm, and while I'm okay with it, most pags will be very offended by your free usage of "pagger". Are you halluciating agai- hold on. Is that Joe's crack I smell?! You got some without me?? He's got some gooood shit.
We will see how this aftermath of the New Oog-Zhorstav Earth-Ion interdimensional war unfolds.