Pagtrader: News Page! Give us your money!
I'm sure it is a well-known fact by now that Pigcorp is kind of a silly, maybe even a little goofy, company. They had bought out an entire planet in 2078, and no one has been contacted since 2079, which makes me rather worried. This is unnaceptable behavior from a billion-dollar company. So, I asked my assistants, Bobby Bobson and Carol Crungus, to do some research on this situation, and it is now safe to say that Pigcorp is a giant goon.
Starting in 2078, with the privitazed purchase of the planet "Z". That was quite strange of them to do. 3rd-party surface scans by Banana Enterprises show the construction of several strange buildings, and ground-penetrating scans done by Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace) show large underground complexes being administered by Pigcorp. In early 2079, there was some disastorous event, and all people living in the society were moved into a small dome near the entrance to the Pigcorp HQ. This was not very cool. Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace) continued to do vlogs where he broke into top-security portions of the corporation called "Pigcorp After Dark", which you can watch NOWHERE because the EVIL PIGCORP kept filing copyright takedowns against Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace)! Literally 1984. Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace), in one livestream, was told by chat to flip the switch deep in the Pigcorp facility that said "DO NOT FLIP" in big, bright red letters. An anonamous user named "notmrjimmersalt" donated fourty-three booga bucks to Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace), so Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace) planned to flip the switch the following day. That day was the last contact from the ground bases on Z. Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace) uploaded a blog the next day called "i'm trapped in a dad gum maze", where he documented how the switch had unleashed a chain reaction, converting the entirety of the planet into a huge maze. Mr. Jimmer (may he rest in peace) has not been contacted since, and is presumed dead. However, I saw a guy who kind of looked like him yesterday, and I talked to him, but he kept saying "please leave me alone" and "im going to call the cops if you keep harrassing me", so I freaking guess bro...
However, this is not all of the information that Carol Crungus and Bobby Bobson were able to glean from their investigation. It was learned through leaked CEO emails that CEO had been emailing people, these emails were leaked, and in one of the leaked emails that the CEO had leakedly sent to someone, they found a leak, which stated that in the CEO email, there was probably another, yet unfound and unleaked email, containing damning information. The currently leaked one read:
To Thrunggloogork
HI MAN!!!! I forgor to tell you but there's gonna be a PIZZA PARTY!! At my house this friday! I hope you all can make it! If you don't you might be fired lowk idk man uhh (i eat my own ***) Also, since I knew you were wondering: Pýaakm, sometimes called Pagish, is the most commonly spoken pagish language, and the most spoken language on Pagoi. It has about 590,000,000 native speakers and 260,000,000 second-language speakers (total 850m), making it the second most spoken language of all on Ion, being only beaten by the oogan language Ungrang. The language is mostly spoken in Pagoi, Scuton, Southern Roi and Southwestern Elephoi (namely in Cetada), Southern Midoi (namely in Ja’Niada), and in Western Valoi. It is known for its characteristic palatalization of consonants, and its snort-like words.
see you there!
Oh, sorry, that was the wrong email. The leaked one must have been leakedly lost. But, what Crungus told was as follows: The Pigcorp CEO reportedly KNEW that there was a big evil button! And, they knew what it did! I honestly cannot beleive this. I mean, why would the person know what the thing they built did? I certainly don't know what the things I built do. Reportedly, Pigcorp has been trying to seal up the planet-sized maze and send it into the waiting rooms or perhaps even the Oogarooms. That would be not nice at all! Carol Crungus told me that she visited the maze in an astral projection, and that there are over 200 people still trapped in size. I beleive that we should BRUTALLY TICKLE the Pigcorp executives and CEO until they DIE!!!! THEY MUST PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES!!!
I have been informed by Dave J Spoog that this isn't true, and that I should stop writing this article, but I don't like him, and he doesn't do his job, so I don't care.
The Pigcorp CEO also reportedly has a reported house reportedly called "Freakyville", reportedly. Reportedly, in Freakyville, people reportedly get freaky, reportedly. This is strange, especially after P. Piggy and Jeffery Oogstein. By the way, they should release the files. Continuing to our conclusion. We need to guh. If we, then the Pigcorp CEO will explode. Because, the sound of a collective guh aimed at Z will DESTROY their megastructure!!